C.G.Ayling

Category: General

General Topics

  • On Misleading Questions

    I have often said the only stupid questions are the questions we don’t ask. Does that mean all questions are worthy of answers? Our natural instinct is to assert, “Yes!”

    However that isn’t true, is it?

    There are definitely questions not worthy of answers.  Rhetorical questions not only do not require answers, but providing an answer often lessens the power of the question. Rhetorical questions are intended to invoke thought, not speech.

    But this post isn’t about rhetorical questions, it is about actual questions that are not worthy of answers.  Specifically, it is about questions that mislead.

    What is a misleading question?  A misleading question is deliberately framed in order to ensure the only valid answer is the one desired. A misleading question is one framed to compel an incomplete answer that points toward the goal of the person doing the asking.

    We are asked misleading questions all the time, and we are trained to respond.  Indeed when we don’t respond in the way these irrelevant, and ultimately pointless, questions demand we often throw the conversation into complete disarray.  Personally, I dislike misleading questions almost as much as I abhor the statement of opinion as though it is fact.  This dislike ensures I go out of my way to cause disarray.

    “How are you?” When asked in our day-to-day work life, this is a misleading question.  The person asking is not interested in our well-being, they don’t want to know, yet they expect us to obey social conventions by answering with some banality like, “I’m fine thanks, and you?”  The only “polite” way to answer this question is by asserting we are well.  If there is only one acceptable answer to the question, then the question is pointless and more than that, it is misleading.

    Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?  Perhaps, however I’m growing tired of living in a world full of people who don’t care.  So I rebel.  When people ask me banal questions in which they very obviously have absolutely no interest in my answer, I assume they are sincere and that they actually care. I answer their question honestly, but in a fashion that requires them to stop and think about my answer.  I have a variety of responses to the “How are you” question, but I have two favorites.

    If I am pleased to see the person, I answer “All the better for seeing you, and how are you?”  There is no mistruth in that answer. I am not burdening them with how I actually feel, I’m not embarking on an extended diatribe on how poorly I slept, or how appalling I find the state of our world. I’m indicating my pleasure at seeing them, while giving them a chance to tell me how they really feel.  It is surprising how often they respond by actually telling me.  It is also surprising how much they seem to enjoy having an opportunity to tell the truth.  A single good minute can indeed make for a better day.

    And then there are the people I am not pleased to see.  It would be impolite to answer truthfully, indeed doing so might well be considered an unnecessary truth. Unfortunately, since it is considered rude to ignore the question I answer, truthfully, “I am alive, which as far as I know is better than being dead, but only time will tell.”  Most often they simply nod as though they actually heard my answer, then sashay into whatever it is they really want to talk about.  However, to those paying attention my answer shocks them out of their comfort zone and forces them to think of some appropriate way to respond.  This usually entails them frowning as they try and figure out if I have just insulted them, which I haven’t. Their frown is either followed by a quick shake of the head as they discard their suspicion, or a pursing of their lips as they consider whether being dead might actually be better than being in their company. They seldom tell me what they really think, but they don’t need to as I’ve already seen it all in their facial responses.  Finally, they start talking about what they really want to talk about.

    What is the point of all this?  There is more than one point.  If you have no interest in how someone feels, then don’t ask them. If you don’t care, then don’t pretend you do.  When you ask banal questions, you’ll sometimes get honest answers.  Don’t pretend to be interested if you aren’t. In other words, if all you want to do is get down to business, then open the conversation with, “Let’s get down to business.”

    And now, to the heart of misleading questions. The question of love.

    Perhaps we should never ask the question, “Do you love me?”, for if there is ever a misleading question intended to extract the answer we desire, “Do you love me?” is that question. Even within an unsolicited proclamation of love lies an implicit plea for a response in kind.

    So how do we show someone we love them, without framing our love in words that demand the response we desire?

    The answer to the riddle dwells within the question. We show them our love and allow them the freedom to either see our demonstration of love, or to not notice it.

    Yes, it is said that love is blind, but if the one we love is blind then will they ever see?

  • On Cyber-Bullying

    During a conversation with Camille Sanzone on the nature of absolutes and truth, which I believe seldom walk hand-in-hand, Camille raised the issue of Cyber-Bullying. That conversation inspired this post, you can listen to it at this link into iHeart Radio’s archives if you’d like a little background.

    What is Cyber-Bullying? To me it is just another example of grossly bad and inappropriate behavior. Like “real” bullying, cyber bullies target someone and then relentlessly begin to attack them. Like “real” bullies, cyber bullies don’t back off until they are forced to. To me there is no difference between real bullies and cyber bullies. They both exhibit repulsive character traits, foremost of which is a completely unjustified and misguided feeling of superiority.

    Nobody is superior to anybody else. Period.

    Everyone gets only one life. That is a simple, irrefutable fact. Every life is as vital, unique, and as precious as every other. I believe that is another irrefutable and ultimately inescapable fact.

    Tolerance is a variable, sometimes we should have a lot, and sometimes we should not.

    Bullying, regardless of whether it occurs in virtual cyber-space or in our real life, is an example of something for which we should have no tolerance. None at all.

    So what can we do about Cyber-Bullying?

    A number of things, most of which involve modifying our own behaviors. Let us face it, change always begins within.

    The internet is forever. What do I mean by that? I mean that regardless how transient you think something in virtual space is, it has been recorded somewhere. Quite possibly by the NSA. Don’t think the NSA are interested in literally everything you say, regardless of where you say it? Okay, then here is a picture-perfect {it literally has pictures} example of something bullies post and then delete in the misguided belief their abhorrent behavior will go unnoticed, and therefore unchecked.

    Once we accept the internet never forgets, addressing cyber bullying becomes much easier. Why? Because we all want to do the right thing, and if our stand for justice and right is recorded forever… Well that is a powerful incentive to do right, isn’t it? Hopefully it is equally powerful in stopping cyber bullies from doing wrong. Unfortunately I don’t think so, as cyber bullies don’t think they are doing wrong, at least until someone shows them.

    So show them!

    Speak out against Cyber-Bullying. When you witness bullying don’t take the moral coward’s way out and ignore it. Speak out. Call the Bully out for being a bully. Stand up for the victim by putting the bully down.

    In the past the expression “to put down” referred to what you’d have done to an animal. You’d take them to the Veterinarian, who would inject them with a powerful sedative that put them to sleep and then stopped their heart. Am I suggesting you kill cyber bullies? In virtual a way, I am. Once you have addressed their behavior, put an end to it by blocking them from ever interacting with you again.  In most social media networks with the click of a button they are dead to you, use that button and effectively kill all further interaction with them.

    But what if you are the victim of a cyber-bully? That requires an altogether different tactic. Do not respond. Every time you respond to someone who attacks you online, you are advertising for them. Do you want their name to appear in brilliant overhead lights? No, you don’t. You might think you do, but in reality you want their behavior to stop, and shouting their name to the world encourages them to keep on behaving badly. So don’t reward them by responding. Don’t try and explain yourself, they don’t care. Don’t try and rally support to your defense, though it seldom works it does advertise their name.

    Remember the adage “Even bad advertising is good advertising.”  Don’t advertise for bullies by interacting with them.

    But I have to do something! Yes, you do, and yes, you can. You put them down. You report them to the social media network their behavior occurred on, and then you block them. Forever. And once that is done, you ignore them. Forever.

    Don’t waste your time by spending it on your enemies, waste your time by spending it with your friends.

    But what about forgiveness? Do you truly think they’ll change? Do you truly think they’ll care? Sadly, I don’t.

  • On Stress

    We live in a artificial world of our own manufacture which is chronically unsuited to our genetically programmed prerogatives.

    In place of choices that give us an immediate return on our decisions, we are forced to make choices which only result in the promise of potential long term rewards.

    What do I mean?

    Natural: I am hungry, therefore I must find food or starve.
    Manufactured: Working now will give me a paycheck in a week, with which I will be able to buy food for the following week.

    This is extremely unnatural. Our nature demands we see an immediate reward for our efforts and when we cannot, we become stressed.

    Why do you think so-called smartphones are so chronically addictive?  I think it is because they are one of the few things that give us an immediate return on investment.  We touch the screen, and something happens. We text someone, and they text us right back.

    Smartphones give us instant feedback in a world we have rendered long-term.

    Perhaps I should start using mine?  No, I don’t think so.  Why not?  Because I realize my need for happiness is far deeper than a touch-screen will ever be.

     

  • On Control

    My thanks to Debbie Englemann for inspiring this post, which is about the control we exert over our feelings.

    I agree with Debbie that we all need something of an emotional pressure release system, unfortunately I think the pendulum of directed public opinion has swung too far into the camp of “let it all out”.

    When we lived in Athens, our only neighbor, who lived directly across the road from us, did exactly that.  She claimed “venting” allowed her to release her pent-up frustrations and helped her feel rejuvenated.  How did she vent?  By making animalistic screams, many of which seemed to be directed straight toward our house.  Her behavior did not improve over the years, which makes me question whether venting helped her.  Indeed, I recently learnt the people who purchased our house have taken out a restraining order against her, so her behavior may well have deteriorated.

    This neighbor once informed me our house had “broken the spirit of the land” when it was built.  While you may think saying something like that seems borderline crazy and goes far toward explaining her aberrant behavior, you should also know I believe certain places have powerful auras. {Of course my last statement may well have set the last nail in the coffin of crazy, I am okay with that. :)}

    Can you imagine the cacophony if everyone screamed whenever they felt frustrated?  Society does not tolerate that type of behavior for very good reasons, one of which is that when someone screams at you, you have a powerful urge to scream right back at them. Does the vented expression of negative emotion actually help us shed those emotions, or does it exacerbate them?  I think the latter is more true.

    To me, control seems better than chaos.  Yes, we need some way to release our frustrations, but that “some way” should not be by dumping them on the people we love the most.  I am as guilty of that behavior as any, and for that I apologize.

    I don’t agree with Debbie that our innermost thoughts are electrical discharges. Not even for an instant. In fact I believe humans are almost incapable of random thought. Everything we think is prompted by something we feel. Some of those feelings are physical, but at least as many are emotional. Surely if we examine our feelings we’ll gain a deeper understanding into what makes us tick, and why we behave the way we do?  Perhaps such understanding will allow us to better control ourselves?  While I adamantly resist others attempting to control me, I long for the day I can finally control myself.  I doubt that day will ever come.

    Before we think, we feel. We think thought separate from feeling, yet we can feel without thinking, but we can’t think without feeling.

  • On Coffee

    Coffee is amazing.

    It has an aroma so effective it deceives us into thinking it is a flavor. A sip seeps down the throat, and then gently washes into the front part of our brain.

    It is said the brain has no nerve endings, to which I say this. What need has it of such, when it is the seat of all sensation?

  • On Exhaustion.

    So many people are tired, it isn’t just us.

    I think that when we’re tired our normal defenses go down.  Some of those defenses are against ourself, and serve to keep our emotions under control. I am yet to decide if the emotional control we constantly exert on our feelings is a good thing. Prevailing common wisdom seems to be that it isn’t, but I don’t think I agree. Those checks to our feelings are there for a reason, and that reason is probably to protect us, which is why we instinctively think of them as our defenses.

    Our instincts are our inner voice of truth.   We should listen to that quiet little voice, perhaps especially when it urges us to bite our tongue.

  • On Unnecessary Truth

    Truth is complicated. Truth is personal. And truth is important.

    However, there are definitely white lies, and truths we feel, yet shouldn’t tell.

    For truth to be valuable, it needs to be necessary. What is an unnecessary truth? Unnecessary truth, is truth that doesn’t serve for good, but for ill. An example of such a truth might be how we think a baby is downright ugly. What good would come of telling the baby’s mother? None. We’d injure her with our words, and yes, words cause the worst injuries.

    So, no, I won’t always tell the whole truth as I see it, unless I believe the whole truth is necessary. Often, it isn’t.

  • Real Men, and Razors

    As a young man just out of the Army I used to shave with a cutthroat razor. Not the wimp variety, which are nothing more than a flip open holder for razor blades, but the genuine McCoy. I had a collection of four cutthroats, three made in Spain of Toledo steel, and one made in Germany of Solingen steel.

    Now you might think a cutthroat razor is impractical in the extreme, however they are not. Sharpening one takes a few strokes on a leather strop. They are easy to clean and resultantly hygienic. Once you get the hang of shaving with one you seldom cut yourself. Very little gives a closer shave than a cutthroat. And best of all, cutthroats are exceptionally economical. You never need to buy razor blades. Ever. Along with my cutthroats, I used a tub of Old Spice shaving cream and a pig’s bristle brush. In case you’ve never seen one, those shaving tubs look like an extremely heavy duty, low profile, white glass cup in which shaving soap is stored. Shaving soap is also very economical, with a single tub lasting for months of daily shaves.  And when the soap is gone, you get to keep the cup!

    Shaving with a cutthroat is simple. You wet your face from a basin of hot water in order to soften your stubble, dip the brush in the water, brush the soap into a lather, which takes a few twirls around the shaving mug, apply the resultant foam to your face with the brush, and then you simply remove the foam with the razor. That is the trick of it, you don’t try and “shave”, you simply use the razor to remove the foam. A side benefit is that, almost magically, your beard stubble comes away with the foam. You then swirl the razor in the basin of hot water to clean it, and stroke off another swath of foam. When you’re done shaving you rinse off the remaining lather from your face, of which there should be virtually none. You squeeze the excess soap off the brush with a circled forefinger and thumb, this makes a neat little point from the bristles. There is no need to wash the brush as all it holds is soap, which you’ll use the next day. Besides, who ever heard of washing soap? And presto, you’re done.

    So, am I alleging that shaving with a cutthroat razor is something real men do? No, I am not. You see, I haven’t shaved with a cutthroat in over thirty years. So, am I alleging that I’m a real man? Not really, but let me put it this way… Now, I have four children with my lovely wife, versus none when I shaved with a cutthroat. You be the judge.

    Back to the post… Nowadays I use an electric razor. Why did I switch to an electric razor? Because of my stubborn, questioning nature. A friend of ours, Nigel, once saw me shaving with my favorite cutthroat and said something to the effect of, “Real men don’t use electric razors, they use a blade.” I thought about this for what must have amounted to about one hundredth of a second. On the spot, I decided to switch to an electric razor. Why? Because my Godfather used an electric razor, and he was not only a real man, he was a true Gentleman.

    The next time I went into town I bought an electric razor. As for my cutthroats… I’m pretty sure my older brother, Jan, appropriated them. I don’t begrudge him, after all I never used them again, and it would be a pity to see such fine tools wasted.

  • On Honesty.

    I think most people have forgotten how to be honest.

    Sharing thoughts demands that we share the thoughts we actually have, not the thoughts we think will cause others to think more of us.

  • Why, a dog?

    Bacon
    Why, a dog over any other pet?

    Look in the eyes,
    they’ll tell you,
    why…

    In other places on my blog you’ll find my sentiments of the special relationship we miserable humans have with our wonderful dogs.  The picture above, taken by my favorite youngest daughter Julia, is of our dog Bacon.  Perhaps you are as lucky as us to have such unconditional, pure love within your home.  Perhaps you are not…