My firstborn suffered from depression, I suspect she still does. It has taken me many years to realize its most likely origin is not her mother, but me.
~ Depression ~
~
My eyes I dry, I must not weep,
and thus I send my soul to sleep.
In my broken heart, a jagged hole
from which seeps my unsoothed soul.
The woods are lonely dark and deep
they are not a good place for souls to sleep.
Anguish, from the twilight shadows seep.
Night sees our inner demons upon us creep.
Is there escape on these crippled feet?
Or is the hill from Anguish’s vale too steep?
To return to Joy, which on yon hill awaits?
Or to stay and with our Despair,
our inner demons’ hunger sate?
Choose Joy, and bid the dark woods goodbye.
Choose Love, and return to happiness on high.
Choose to Live, or choose, to die.
~
Why does anguish have such a powerful hold over us? Perhaps to someone who has never been in a terrible depression it is patently obvious that simply smiling helps alleviates the mood. Which means the decision to smile is a no brainer.
They aren’t wrong. However someone suffering from depression understands the metaphors used to describe the emotional state are frighteningly real. Indeed the very word “depression” indicates something lower, but that isn’t the only metaphor used to describe this condition. We literally tumble down into depression. It isn’t a gradual decline, it is a precipitous fall. Once we’re depressed we’re gripped by chains that literally bind us in place. We find ourselves in a dark foreboding forest in which every innocent tree appears as a predator out to consume us. To escape means we must climb out of the emotional hole depression is. The problem is that we have enormous difficulty even getting back on our feet, let alone finding the emotional strength to climb a hill. No matter how insignificant the climb out of depression appears to others, when we’re depressed the only word that comes close to describing how difficult it is, is impossible.
Earlier I said the decision to smile is a no brainer. I used those words the same way I use all words, for a reason. You see depression isn’t a thinking state, it is a feeling state, and while there is little brain in depression there is a great deal of heart. So if we can’t think our way out of this miserable condition, then what are we to do? I wish I knew the answer, if I did I would freely share it with the world. Unfortunately I don’t, and I don’t believe drugs are an appropriate solution.
Sitting here, writing this post, it seems so obvious all I need do is smile, walk up a little hill, and I’ll be free of this wretched feeling. But I can’t. I can’t think my way out of a feeling state. Even a single step back toward joy is quite literally beyond my capabilities. I wonder why that is? Perhaps because our soul seeks balance, and what balances ecstasy best is misery?
I don’t think I believe that, it is just a thought. But since I’m depressed right now, perhaps it’s more a feeling than a thought.
The universe works in cycles. I know this for my soul tells me it is so. Depression, for those afflicted as I am, is cyclic. It will pass when it passes, all I have to do is survive until it does. So if you’re like me, please try to survive until the time for joy comes around again…
{P.S. Allow me to stress that this post, along with all my posts on this blog and indeed everywhere, are strictly my personal beliefs. Yours will certainly differ. What works for me may well be the breaking of you, so for that reason I strongly encourage you to question always. Question everything, and one day may you be fortunate enough to find the answers you seek.}