C.G.Ayling

Category: Poetry

  • A brother’s poem

    In that it contains things that are personal to me, my blog is sort of like a diary. Today I’m tearing a page out of another person’s diary, that of my brother Jan. He sent me this email a few days ago, from Africa, where he still lives, to America, where I now reside.

    No big deal, right? I mean, an email happens virtually instantly, so all that’s happened is the world has been made a whole lot smaller. Wrong. Nothing makes the world smaller, nothing eliminates distance, and nothing replaces a touch.

    Read my brother’s missive, and weep with me for what the entire world is losing. And what is it that the world is losing? Family.

    Jan’s email message.

    In dim memory sometime, years back, I penned these words…
    To what avail? Time has passed.
    The deed is done.
    Yet I love you all still.
    Jan.

    ~ Worlds Apart ~

    We live with our children in separate cities
    Apart from one another
    In separate countries
    On separate continents
    In separate hemispheres
    Our hot wet summers are your icy snowbound winters
    Your hot humid summers are our cool winter days

    Our children grow up not knowing one another
    Yet we are family, one family spread far apart
    How long do we endure our self-imposed separation?
    And what becomes of the love we have for each other
    From desolate days to lonely years spent in intercontinental isolation
    The vastness of distance refuses to be overcome by brief sojourns
    We cannot catch up with each other while we do not walk the same paths
    Our children learn otherworldly pastimes and play games
    But not with each other, and then not even the same games

    I yearn for the times we shared
    Together in the wild places of Africa
    For the memories of childhood and youth
    Of times on farms with brothers
    On rivers with family and friends
    Of boats and trucks and tents and tiger fish
    Kudu and cotton and bushpigs and mealies
    Where has it gone?
    Will our children ever be together?
    Do we just grow old and leave it too late?

    Will we really be together then?
    Wish I could look forward to that time, only I don’t know when
    And where will our mother be then?
    Will our babies know their granny then?
    Wish it could be when, at least we were together
    Did Africa really tear us apart?
    Or did we only imagine it happened that way
    While we do it by ourselves?
    Hope it’s not too late now

    Let’s turn back the clock to our future together

    Will we come home then, when we need to be in Africa now?

  • on Belief

    This post has nothing to do with religion.

    What do you believe? I believe many things, so since I said I’d say what I believe and I try to do as I say I will, here are some of the things in which I believe, along with a spattering of things in which I don’t. If there is any repetition it might be poetic liberty, it might be because those truths most vital to us bear reinforcement, or it might simply be in error – the choice of which is entirely up to you.

    ~ I Believe ~

    ~

    I believe the picture we have of ourself is not the picture others see.
    I believe in what I can see, unless what I feel tells me that what I see isn’t really real.
    I believe divinity dwells within, yet for whatever reason we seek it without.
    I believe we all know the truth, and the truth is different for all.
    I believe in the soul, and that souls are fragments of the divine.
    I believe every living thing, from the smallest single-celled organism to the largest tree, has a soul and that it takes every single soul to make up the broken fragments of what may once have been a single whole.
    I believe all life must end, yet souls seldom do.
    I believe in fate, as much as I believe in freedom.
    I believe the divine speak a universal language every soul understands, if only their hosts choose to hear.
    I believe the divine don’t need to teach us how to hear, that is knowledge we already bear, though we may have forgotten, or closed our inner ear.
    I believe I can fly, and that in my dreams, I do.

    ~

    I believe the goal of all organized religions is the sustenance of its clergy, before sustenance of its adherent’s souls.
    I believe any god who has a chosen people, is the creation of those who claim he chose them.
    I believe souls are the animators of life.
    I believe our soul is the only gift the divine will ever grant us.
    I believe souls are not a gift at all, but a temporary loan we may choose to invest, or we may choose to squander.
    I believe we nurture our soul with our good deeds, or we starve it with our greed.
    I believe material wealth is the blade which slays the immaterial soul.
    I believe our path to nirvana is paved with our good deeds, and barred with our ill.
    I believe in your soul, do you believe in mine?

    ~

    I believe truth is the foundation on which trust is built.
    I believe words are the foundations of deeds.
    I believe thoughts are the foundations of words.
    I don’t believe I know what forms the foundations of thoughts.
    I am willing to believe, right until I perceive the lie.
    I believe in what I feel, more than in what I see.
    I believe in what I understand, more than in what I’m told.
    I believe in equality.
    I believe no human holds authority over any other.
    I believe in my own personal truths, more than I believe mass-media lies.
    I believe you matter, and that I matter too.

    ~

    I believe that to every absolute, there is an exception.
    I believe mortal flesh is merely a temporary home for an immortal soul.
    I believe the surest way to starve our soul, is to feed our mortal greed.
    I believe our soul cannot be destroyed by anyone save ourself.
    I believe those eager to slay another have already slain their soul.
    I believe in words more than in silence.
    I believe that sometimes I need silence more than I need words.
    I believe that when we are lost, our soul always knows the way.
    I believe a single ill deed far outweighs a myriad good.
    I believe our flesh is mortal, yet our soul is not.
    I believe that although our soul occupies our flesh, we can never own our soul.
    I believe I can try, and that in my dreams I do.

    ~

    I believe we were all once fluent in the language of the divine
    – it’s a little inner voice
    that tells us right from wrong,
    – it’s an inner voice of reason
    in a world that’s lost its mind,
    – it’s a voice that grows dimmer with every ill deed
    until we hear its voice no more.

    ~

    I believe while human words may well be wise, no human words are ever holy.
    I believe the divine have no need of intermediaries, for their words already flood our heart, soothe our soul, and echo deep within our inner ear.
    I believe everyone who claims to speak for the divine is a liar, for what need have the divine of translators when their language must be universal or it cannot be divine?
    I believe those who listen to their clerics, too often turn a deaf ear to their soul.
    I believe risk should be balanced with reward, but reward should not be repayment for risk.
    I believe the truth is never ugly, though what it reveals far too often is.
    I believe greed is an instrument of evil that bears many forms, all of which are sculpted by mortal desire… greed for influence, wealth, power, sex, control, immortality, and a myriad more.
    I believe indoctrinating children is an unforgivable act of malicious evil.
    I believe in me, do you believe in you?

    ~

    I believe the only one truly evil creature upon our earth is man.
    I believe that what the oceans relinquish, the sky returns as rain.
    I believe no cleric holds the keys to heaven, while many open the gates of hell.
    I believe in justice, more than I believe in laws.
    I believe eternity is a very short time.
    I believe time passes but it does not exist, and we are swimming against its flow.
    I believe the only fitting punishment for a murderer, is to be murdered in their turn.
    I believe it is better to be loved by a single person than it is to be merely remembered by a multitude.
    I believe respect should be earned, not assumed.
    I believe none should speak for the gods, for the gods can speak for themselves.
    I believe those who call for villainous deeds are as guilty as the villains called to commit them.
    I believe forgiveness is far beyond the realm of mortals.

    ~

    I believe when sellers are honest there is no need for buyers to beware.
    I believe there has never been a just war, yet I know many honorable men have fought.
    I believe for every inch won, an inch is always lost.
    I believe divinity dwells within, and we are merely its decorators, we may choose to clad our soul in the splendor of good deeds, or the squalor of ill.
    I believe humanity should be Earth’s caretaker, not Earth’s cancer.
    I believe a god not universally known, cannot be a universal god.
    I believe any question worth asking, is a question worth answering honestly.
    I believe our heart is the chamber in which the words of our soul echo, and that when it murmurs we should always listen.
    I believe if we’re too scared to dream, we’ve given up the better part of life.
    I believe I can cry, and that in my dreams I do.

    ~

    I believe that as with freedom, for truth we pay a price.
    I believe women are the far better half of man.
    I believe those who cannot question, will never understand.
    I believe memory is fiction, yet we think of it as fact.
    I believe fictitious memory is the foundation upon which we build ourself.
    I believe for everyone who cares, a multitude do not.
    I believe we are all born innocent, yet our innocence is soon lost.
    I believe good people sometimes do bad things, yet once people embrace bad they never again do good.
    I believe whoever, wherever, and whenever we are, we are merely people.
    I believe we all seek happiness, and some understanding too.
    I believe while no one is born better than any other, their deeds can make them so.
    I believe we should seek understanding before everything, especially material wealth.
    I believe if we can’t reveal our real self then our real self is not worth revealing.

    ~

    I believe everybody values truth, yet everybody lies.
    I believe in a myriad things, they may seem silly to you but they remain crucial to me.
    I believe who we are can be far more than just our genes, or far less.
    I believe that although no good deed goes unpunished, good deeds must still be done.
    I believe mistakes should not be punished, while willfully wicked deeds should.
    I believe my truths may work for me, but they probably won’t for you.
    I believe words really matter, though they rarely do.
    I believe those who call for the murder of their foes are the foulest of our form.

    ~

    I believe we should celebrate beauty, acknowledge shame, and not be so eager to apportion blame.
    I believe though we should honor our beliefs, it is inevitable we will sometimes fail.
    I believe the principle sign of intelligence is the ability to change our own mind.
    I believe history is written by the victors, and far too often it’s nothing but a biased lie.
    I believe we should vote on the issues, not on our emotions.
    I believe for one person to be rich, a multitude must be poor.
    I believe the truths I hold today, I may see as false tomorrow.

    ~

    I believe honor can never for sale.
    I believe a soul for sale is not worth its price.
    I believe humanity consistently displays collective stupidity, and individual brilliance.
    I believe we should try, even when we know we’ll fail.
    I believe in free will, yet I know the majority still won’t.
    I believe the world needs far less tolerance of poor behavior.
    I believe that X resources divided among Y people, where Y is greater than seven billion, should be X/Y, not (½X / 85) = (½X / (Y – 85))
    I believe truth is a matter of life more than a matter of mathematics.
    I believe no matter the magnificence of a lie’s disguise, the lie itself is ugly.
    I believe the shabbiest garments do not detract from truth’s beauty.
    I believe we are universally drawn toward truth, and universally repulsed by lies.
    I believe no one really knows, though too many claim they do.

    ~

    I believe happiness has become a hopeless goal, where once it was reality.
    I believe in the right to self-determination and self-defense, not compulsion and attack.
    I believe that just as no size fits all, no one truth does either.
    I believe those who care matter, and those who don’t just don’t.
    I believe the purest truth flows within the caverns of our heart.
    I believe partial truths are often complete lies.
    I believe what we say doesn’t matter if there is no one to hear what we say.
    I believe short-term profits never justify long-term pains.

    ~

    I believe to find beauty we must ardently seek it, but closing our eyes to ugliness allows ugliness to remain.
    I believe if we seek understanding we’ll eventually find it, but if we don’t we won’t.
    I believe time waits for no one, but eventually claims us all.
    I believe once you wear a price tag once, you’re always up for sale.
    I believe though change is inevitable, people are always the same.
    I believe in complex contradictory truths more than simply aligned lies.
    I believe when something is so obvious it simply must be true, we truly need to simply examine it again.
    I believe we should listen to our heart before we bow before our mind.
    I believe our heart pays the penalty long before our mind perceives the foul.
    I believe if we’re given a choice of difficult versus easy, we’ll choose easy every time.
    I believe while collectives are easy to fool, individuals are not.
    I believe when someone claims to have your best interests at heart, they really have their own.
    I believe the only things we truly create are our children, yet they aren’t our creations at all.
    I believe once honor is relinquished, it can never be regained.
    I believe there are holy words but they aren’t uttered by other men, they echo in our inner ear where only we can hear them.
    I believe true friends are so rare the fingers of one hand suffice to count them, and that that number excludes the thumb.
    I believe when we find our soul unbalanced we can either stop, sit, and reel, or we can stagger on and fall.

    ~

    I believe sometimes the universe sews two souls together, and sometimes it rips those souls apart.
    I believe love is like a light, with somebody else at the switch.
    I believe sometimes we do things wrong and cannot put them right.
    I believe if we refuse to look into our heart we cannot hope to see.
    I believe the last person I’ll ever understand, is me.
    I believe there has never been anyone like you and there never will be again.
    I believe sometimes the universe is kind enough to let us glimpse love’s glory, and at others it doesn’t seem to care.
    I believe the hardest lies to see are those we tell ourself.
    I believe I can fly, and if you let yourself dream you could too.

    ~

    And after this minuscule, fractional list detailing some things I believe, I think you may still find yourself asking the question, “But does he believe in the same God as me?” If you do then let me ask, “Why does it matter? Is the revealed content of my heart not enough?” However I’ll also answer with an unequivocal, “No, I do not believe in the same god as you.” To me the question of gods is so complex a subject it must wait for another day, or perhaps even another lifetime.

    {P.S. It is said that a writer should show not tell, as I seldom listen to platitudes that pretend to be wisdom I have simply told. However if you’d prefer to see, then this is where you’ll find the “show”.}

  • Hope.

    ~ Hope ~
    ~
    Hope, for happiness.
    But of what?
    The flesh?
    Or of the vine,
    that thee and me entwine.
    ~
    Hope for mortal sin?
    Or hope,
    for the virtue
    that also dwells within.
    ~
    Hope for a touch,
    and if such hope
    should prove too much,
    hope for a word to soothe,
    to refute reality’s
    cold cruel crush.
    ~
    Hope for words,
    neatly formed up in rows,
    as pleas,
    or simply hope
    for words,
    that please.
    ~
    Hope, it is so many things,
    Hope, for what?
    For Happiness, of course.
    Such a simple,
    silly,
    special thing…
    ~

  • To Do, To Dare.

    ~ To Do, To Dare ~
    ~
    When children we are,
    when children we do,
    and we dare,
    without worry or care,
    then we age,
    and we don’t,
    for how others will think,
    we now worry and care,
    and thus we don’t
    dare.
    ~

  • Dream’s Embrace

    ~ Dream’s Embrace ~
    ~
    Midnight closes the gates of Awaken,
    wood nymphs ease from the shadows,
    in dance,
    a fleeting glimpse of hidden beauty,
    granted,
    as we step over the threshold,
    into dream’s embrace.
    Wood nymph,
    where are you?
    Hidden… till you answer
    slumber’s call.
    ~

    I recently found this draft, which mystified me as I have no recollection of writing it. From its date-stamp it may have been associated with “A Cyrstal Tear“, a short Fairy Tale I wrote about the same time.

  • Daniskira

    Similar to Faroene, this is a character poem wrenched from the heart of the Symbologist, Daniskira.

    As poetry so often does, it lays bare words, feelings, and fears that Daniskira dare not consider while she remains trapped inside my epic tale, Malmaxa. Should you find yourself confused, don’t be distressed. Sometimes we mistake our intuitions for suspicions. At others we mistake our suspicions for intuitions. Perhaps one of those circumstances leads to our confusion.

    ~ Daniskira ~
    ~
    My match’s memory sets my heart aglow.
    Such fire burns deep.
    Such fire burns slow.
    A smiling face to the world I show,
    yet when my eyes close,
    to my Demons I’ll go.
    ~
    Demons that in my dreams await,
    Demons that stir my fears,
    their hungers to sate.
    My opening eyes their feast do abate,
    yet their shrill screams
    still cast doubt on my fate.
    ~
    How I long to take comfort,
    in the arms of my mate.
    ~
    Will my match’s love last,
    will his feelings for me hold him fast?
    To these troubled thoughts,
    my Demons emit a derisive blast,
    “Surely such good things
    as Beltamar must pass!”
    ~
    How I dread the days spent apart,
    will our return to Malmaxa,
    grant us
    a new start?
    ~
    Deaf ears to our pleas do our Demons turn,
    and on our shoulders they pile
    and heap up their scorn.
    You see, it’s for misery our Demons do yearn,
    and so,
    our happiness do they spurn,
    and into our hearts cast Doubt,
    in which each of us
    eternally burn.
    ~
    My back bows beneath such weight,
    the hours grow long,
    the hours grow late.
    Till finally from slumber I wake,
    and from my dread dreams I escape.
    A clear mind shows me the path,
    that leads from their miserable hate,
    yet toward whence I know not,
    nor my ultimate fate.
    ~
    Oh how I yearn for the arms of my mate,
    Beltamar will offer me comfort.
    And yes, his comfort,
    I’ll gladly take.
    ~
    My hanging head releases my tears,
    from my eyes to the earth,
    do I watch them pour,
    my misted vision blots out all fears,
    and in my Chukrah’s embrace am I,
    once more,
    secure.
    ~
    Sunrise heralds a new dawning day,
    bringing relief, as into my duty I wade.
    The unmarked wait in slow moving lines,
    My task, my duty, my goal,
    and also my why,
    is to etch in their flesh their Soul sign,
    Soul symbols,
    granted by ancestors on high.
    ~
    Soul signs shimmer…
    these symbols of the Soul do I see,
    my Chukrah reveals their aura to me.
    Pure images in my mind flash on by,
    Soul signs,
    overlaid, on a starless, blue sky.
    Pure colors coalesce,
    Segattoo quills into these colors combine.
    And then,
    with fingers made nimble and sure,
    by the gift of my Chukrah,
    Soul signs into their flesh
    do I draw,
    ~
    Soul signs simmer…
    Soul signs burn,
    Soul signs into living skin
    do I set,
    Soul symbols,
    which I simply, can never forget.
    ~
    In the dark depths of my mind
    Soul Symbols digress,
    Chukrah calm staunches my unshed tears,
    Chukrah joy fills my heart,
    and my head,
    Chukrah joy…
    oh why,
    does it seem,
    such is ecstasy’s sigh.
    ~
    Safe in my Soul
    and in my heart too,
    my match does dwell.
    I long for comfort in the arms of my mate,
    comfort Beltamar granted,
    comfort,
    in which I so sorely long to partake.
    ~
    Till Beltamar’s return,
    till Malmaxa into the night sky will rise,
    till Malmaxa beneath the full moon does swell,
    in the clutch of my Demons I’ll dwell,
    held fast by their claws
    in misery’s hell.
    In Malmaxa I’ll be freed from
    my Demons’ tight grasp.
    Beltamar’s love is the key
    by which, at last,
    I’ll soon be set free,
    so onto his dream, and his match,
    I hold fast.
    ~

  • Reflections of Divinity

    ~ Reflections of Divinity ~
    ~
    You are the voice of reason,
    I am the one that’s insane.
    You are the bringer of joy,
    I am the one filled with pain.
    You are the one that gives,
    I am the one who gains.
    You are sunlight so bright,
    I am the moon on the wane.
    You are the essence of pure,
    I am a spreading, dark stain.
    You are the glow of warm sunlight,
    I am the dismal dark of cold rain.
    You are the most delicate moth,
    Irresistibly drawn to my flame.
    ~

  • If I May.

    This is a melancholy poem, motivated by friendships that die beneath the stresses imposed by our relentless struggle to merely survive.

    ~ If I May ~
    ~
    Each and every day
    I try to do the things that matter,
    if I may.
    I pat my dog,
    I hug my children,
    if I may.
    I hold my wife and tell her,
    “I love you, today”,
    if I may.
    I go to work,
    not because it matters
    but because I must,
    for, you see,
    I have obligations to meet,
    and bills to pay,
    if I may.
    A family to feed,
    a family to clothe,
    a family, to house,
    and animals who in me
    place their unspoken trust,
    and so to work I go,
    I must,
    if I may.
    Though my mood at work,
    is far from gay
    I try to smile,
    if I may.
    Woeful hours,
    till my workday is done,
    and then to home
    I’ll run,
    if I may.
    For what matters
    is not the hours misspent
    at the place I get my pay.
    Oh no,
    what matters most,
    is my family,
    and my friends,
    with whom I share
    real smiles,
    silly speech,
    unforced laughter,
    and joyful play,
    if I may.
    With the ones I love,
    is where I’d spend my days,
    if only
    I may.
    ~

    Where do you spend your time? First your hours, then your days? Count the hours spent in the company of those you love, and weigh times scale against the hours you spend away. Which way does the scale tilt?

  • Faroene.

    Faroene is one of the principal Heroes within my literal world, Malmaxa. She is also a Warrior, for within Malmaxa no gender distinction exists in the definition of Hero.

    On Twitter, someone asked Faroene to “explain to me exactly what the heck you are”.
    The poem below is Faroene’s response, in character, and in her words. As the author, I merely serve as the conduit between Faroene and the reader.

    ~ Faroene ~
    ~
    My legs are long, my feet are fleet,
    I’ll use their speed, my fate to meet,
    my arms are strong, my swordhand swift,
    boons granted by my Chukrah’s gift,
    ~
    Like blood, my hair is red, my Soul deep, yet blue,
    for recently my heart has been torn in two,
    a man other than my match I met,
    and into my heart, his love hath crept.
    ~
    When comfort in his embrace I took,
    my Soul free from its cage he shook,
    into passion pure and dark I looked,
    such all-abiding love cannot be mistook.
    ~
    I wonder if our love the Gods enraged,
    for when in Ancient Conflict we last engaged,
    into Eternity’s book they scribed a sad, new page,
    for such is a Warrior’s lot, and such our wage.
    ~
    My one true love the Gods laid dead,
    I held him, teary eyes, heart sore,
    till the last Soul tingle to his Chukrah fled,
    as he departed, into Death’s dark maw.
    ~
    And thus does my true love lie lost,
    Within Malmaxa’s walls, I’ll bear honor’s cost,
    A Warrior I am, proud, and true,
    So in Malmaxa, to my match,
    my truths,
    I’ll tell,
    I must.
    ~

    Initially some of Faroene’s poem might seem confusing. If you wish to understand Faroene’s plight and witness her truths, I encourage you to read “Beltamar’s War”, it is the first novel in my Epic Fantasy saga, Malmaxa. Fantasy proves an excellent cover for Philosophy, for within the realms of the fantastic, readers willingly consider thoughts they would never dare dream.

    Should you read my work, and have any questions for Faroene, don’t hesitate to ask her on Twitter where you can follow her as @Faroene. She will answer you in character, however she will not provide any spoilers.  Why?  Because Faroene has no knowledge of forthcoming events.  Faroene is a Warrior, not a Sage – that role is filled by Liaju, whom Faroene has yet to meet.  Should you frame a question to Faroene, please be gentle.  To her,  her world is real – it is ours that seems strange.

    You may also follow me as @CGAyling, and yes – we both follow back.

  • Smooth Waters Run Deep

    ~ Smooth Waters Run Deep ~
    ~
    smooth waters,
    gazed deep in,
    reflect the soul,
    that dwells within,
    into rough and turmoiled sea,
    a troubled soul doth cast her plea,
    look deep if your true desire,
    is with me to quell the fire,
    stay the hand that holds the rope,
    its splash serenity unfolds,
    puts at risk all hope,
    though not a word,
    we spoke.
    ~
    sentences, to souls unseen,
    songs to sing,
    to those
    between.
    ~

    Where does beauty dwell? Within the rough passion of a turbulent sea, or deep within the still depths of an unseen soul?  Is the fate of passion, calm?  Or is the fault of fate when calm succumbs and into passion falls?